Vashti continues to have her good days and bad days. And while we no longer assume that a good day means Vashti will be “well” and her old self exactly the way she used to be for the next several years, we also no longer assume that a bad day means Vashti is at death’s door and that her days are numbered. She seems very happy for the most part—her appetite is good, and she spends long hours in bed lying on either Laurence’s or my chest, with her little nose just inches from ours as she purrs like a motor and stares lovingly into our eyes.
Playing the role of caregivers has already changed our lives in ways we hadn’t anticipated. I am up no later than 7:15 every morning—weekday or weekend, no matter how late I’ve been up the night before—to give Vashti her meds and then her breakfast an hour later. While I’ve always been an early riser, I also counted on the occasional day of sleeping late to help balance things out. An afternoon with Laurence’s parents in New Jersey couldn’t stretch to include dinner with them and with Laurence’s sister and our nephews, as we had to factor in a one-hour train ride that would have us back in the City no later than 6:00 for Vashti’s evening fluids and meds. A proposed trip to go to Miami in March to spend Passover with my parents is clearly out of the question right now. We’re hoping everybody can come here to New York, but we don’t have the space to put my parents up the way they would be able to put us up in Miami, which makes a trip to New York—at a time when all of us are a bit broke—not as feasible as we’d like.
We shall see.
Please don’t get me wrong—there is NO QUESTION that it’s all worth it. Nothing I’m “giving up” for the sake of caring for Vashti hurts me nearly as much as giving up on Vashti would. I actually mention these things to build up to a bigger point that’s been on my mind quite a bit lately.
I wrote a few days ago that there was a night when Vashti “wouldn’t take the needle” for her subcutaneous fluids. I was mildly (and lovingly—certainly not with malice) spanked by a commenter, who said that I can’t say Vashti “won’t” take her fluids. Vashti “must” take her fluids to help her kidneys work, or else she will die.
First, to clarify the point—when I wrote that Vashti “wouldn’t” take her needle, what I meant was that even with both Laurence and me holding her, and even with Laurence wearing gloves so that he wouldn’t be forced to let her go if she clawed and bit, and even putting Vashti into her carrier, to further immobilize her, and having Laurence hold that, she was fighting and thrashing around so hard that there was no way to get the needle into her and keep it there without running an increasing risk of injuring myself, or Laurence, or—worst of all—Vashti. Vashti is weak enough that any injury at this point would be catastrophic.
It’s true that Vashti fights the needle more often than not. But, typically, she’s pretty easily subdued, and the whole thing is over in a couple of minutes. On this particular night, for whatever reason, she fought us to such an extent that the risk of inadvertently injuring her crept up to what I felt was an unacceptable level. A serious injury could kill her now, but missing her fluids for a day probably wouldn’t. So I made the judgment call to abort mission. Somebody else might have made a different decision, but I was the only one there to make that decision at the time–so I made the best decision I could.
That’s easy to say now, of course, a few days after the fact. But at the time that I read that comment, I spent hours mentally berating myself once again. I have to make life-or-death decisions for Vashti, and if I make the wrong ones she will die sooner than she otherwise might, and possibly suffer needlessly in the process. I have always understood that adopting my cats brought more than joy into my life—it also brought levels of responsibility and commitment that a lot of people don’t understand. Even though I’ve always understood that, though, these days the responsibilities seem so much larger that they are, at times, nearly paralyzing. One wrong decision, I keep telling myself, and it’s all over for Vashti…
Look, we all know that there are many people out there who are cruel to animals. And there are some who may not be cruel, but aren’t particularly kind, either. And then there are some who are willing to be kind, and to administer certain levels of care, but who also feel they are justified in bailing once administering care becomes a burden or requires a lifestyle change.
I know that most of the people who read this blog fall into a last category—the people who have a full understanding of what responsibility and commitment mean when it comes to caring for the animals who are completely dependent upon us, but whose happiness and well-being is no less important than our own just because their dependency is greater. In fact, their complete dependency makes our obligations even more sacred.
In a perfect world, there would never be any question as to what thing or things we need to do in order to fulfill that obligation. The path would be clear and straight, and we would do our almighty best to stay on it. But things aren’t always that clear. What is good for a cat one day may not be good for her the next, or may never be good at all for another cat. This means we have to make choices, and the making of choices—and continually second-guessing those choices—is probably one of the most stressful things about caring for anybody, whether it’s the people in our lives or the pets.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, both in the context of having made the choice that one day to not give Vashti her fluids (was I just weak? Did Vashti suffer for the next 24 hours because I was weak?), and also in the context of what I would do for my other cats were they to fall as ill as Vashti now is.
Homer, for example, has always been starkly terrified of anything medical or invasive, and that terror has only grown over the years. Homer no longer lets anybody trim his claws (we’ve gotten him a special “emery” scratching post for that purpose so he can do it on his own). This is a four-pound cat who has to be administered a mild sedative before three trained veterinary technicians can hold him down long enough to draw a routine blood sample. Not that Vashti and Scarlett like having blood drawn, mind you, but they resist in a way that indicates they’re simply resisting immediate pain. Homer resists as if he truly believed the vet was trying to kill him.
Would I be physically able to do everything for Homer that I’m doing for Vashti? Would I be willing to inflict that kind of terror on him every day even if I could? At what point do you draw the distinction between what’s irritating and uncomfortable for a cat, but keeps him or her alive, and what the cat can only perceive as outright torture?
I’m not saying that I’ve already made the decision not to try with Homer if he ever becomes this sick. He may never get sick, or he may get sick in such a way that won’t require needles and pills on a daily basis—or, if it comes to that point, he may be sick enough that he won’t put up the fight he currently does. I couldn’t possibly make those kinds of decisions now.
But I have given myself permission to make different decisions for him than I’m making for Vashti. Homer is a different cat than Vashti. What’s best for Vashti may or may not be best for him in the end, and vice versa.
It’s along that logic that I have opted to give Vashti her “horse pill” in liquid rather than pill form. I talked to the vet a few days ago, who told me that I was seriously undercutting the pill’s effectiveness by giving it to her this way. To which I could only respond, “So be it.” The way Vashti fights the pill is different from the way she fights the liquid dropper or the needle. I can tell by the look on her face that she genuinely believes she’s choking to death on that pill. The fact that I know she isn’t does nothing to change that perception on her part—or the sheer, physical terror that feeling engenders. Her pupils grow huge, she gasps for air, and her heart races far faster than it does even when I give her the needle for her fluids. Once, she even wet herself.
I once nearly choked to death in a restaurant (fortunately, Laurence was there to Heimlich me), and I don’t think that’s a physical sensation you ever get “used” to. The other day, Vashti bit my hand so hard while I was trying to give her that pill that it swelled up to three times its normal size, and I had to go to the emergency room for a tetanus shot and antibiotics. This is a cat who has never in her whole life bitten, or growled at, or hissed at, or raised a claw to a-n-y-b-o-d-y. If Vashti was terrified enough to bite me that hard, then Vashti is too terrified to make this a viable course of treatment to have to undergo every day for the next however many weeks or months or years she has left.
I’ve had to give Scarlett similarly sized pills over the years. Scarlett hates it, and fights me as hard as she can, but Scarlett is always clearly irritated by experience rather than terrified. If it were Scarlett who needed this pill every day for the rest of her life, I would give it to her without question. I’m willing to irritate Scarlett—or even to have her come to hate me—if that’s what it takes to keep her healthy and active.
But Scarlett is a different cat than Vashti, and the decisions I have made or would make for her will not always be the same as those I make for Vashti.
This started out as a response—possibly a defensive one—to one commenter who observed that I can’t say Vashti “wouldn’t” take her fluids when she “has to” take her fluids in order to stay alive.
But, as I’ve thought about it, my bigger point is this: I think all of us love our cats with a purity and a sense of responsibility that makes us question all our decisions when those important decisions have to be made. We will stay up at night questioning whether or not we did the “right” thing. We may even speak with other pet owners who will either assure us that we’ve done exactly the right thing, or take us to task for having done the wrong thing.
In the end, though, I don’t think there’s a fixed set of answers. We do the best we can. We make the best decisions we can. We know our pets better than anybody else could possibly know them. We will do everything in our power to give them as many “good days” as we possibly can, and we understand that what constitutes a good day for one cat may prove to be the opposite for a different cat.
And, when it comes down to the wire, we will love them unswervingly. We will do everything humanly possible to ease their pain, and when that is no longer possible, we will make the decision to end their pain altogether. We will have our own good days and bad days.
We will make our cats happy, and we will give them good lives. They will never have to know what it is to be, not only sick and in pain, but also alone and uncared for. That, I think, is a beautiful thing. It’s the greatest thing any of us has to offer to anybody—human, feline, or otherwise. It’s the most that we could possibly ask for ourselves.
And that makes all the second-guessing and all the self-abuse and all the rest of it nothing more than noise.
I suppose I’m hoping that, in having written this, I won’t keep getting emails and comments telling my what I’m doing “wrong.” More than that, though, I hope nobody who’s been keeping up with this blog or its commenters over the past few weeks is starting to question the decisions they’ve made for their own cats over the years based on what I’ve been doing–or what readers have suggested I should be doing–for Vashti.
We love our pets. We do the best we can. And, ultimately, the best we can do is almost always going to be the best that can be done for this cat, on this day, in this home.
Yes, Gwen, you’ve hit it right on the head. We do the best we can, for as long as we can, until we know (or our cat tells us) that there’s nothing further to be done than to gently release our friend from their pain. And part of doing the best is to make compromises from strict clinical standards. Yes, the pill may not be as effective if you liquify it…but if it terrorizes Vashti to be given the solid pill, then that’s what you have to do…better “some” pill than none. (Did you ask your vet if it could be compounded into a feline-friendly flavored liquid formulation by a compounding pharmacy?) You’re also right that we have to vary our care depending on the needs of our individual feline patients.
My Peter Solomon had CRF (this was over 30 years ago) and the vet prescribed a special kidney-friendly diet. Only problem was, he wouldn’t eat it. And risked developing hepatic lipidosis from so suddenly stopping eating. So i reintroduced his regular canned food…and on days when he needed to be tempted to eat, i put little bits of chopped up pepperoni in his bowl. Clearly, spicy fatty foods aren’t what you’re supposed to give a cat with CRF, but it was the one thing that could get him to eat. His vet said she sure wouldn’t recommend it to her other patients but if that’s what it took to get him to eat, then so be it.
Enjoy your special time with Vashti!
Vashti is still in my thoughts and prayers! One of my cats is terrified of going to the vets! I’ve tried giving him things to calm him down but he meows in a tone that I don’t hear and still hisses & bites so unfortunately he has a bad reputation. I don’t know if it goes back to before I adopted him but as soon as we leave he’s fine. But he’s a sweetheart. Right now we’re having an issue with the food so hopefully, I’ll find something they’ll both like.
You have said all that needs to be said. What I find to be so difficult to understand is, HOW could anyone question what you were doing? Or, how could anyone doubt your total love and commitment to your cats’ well being? Vashti is truely blessed to have you and your husband to love and care for her and, she knows, better than an reader can ever hope to know, that everything that you do, you do for her well being.Don’t let one thoughtless fool hurt you or cause you to feel that you let Vashti down in any way. You didn’t !! your heart told you what was right, and your were wise enough to listen. For that Vashti thanks you and loves you.
Blessed be,
Margot Treybig (FurMama to 21 rescued fur babies)
In fairness to the commenter in question, I really do want to make clear that he/she was NOT trying to imply that I was slowly killing my cat or anything. The point was that while I may think the fluids are “optional” and something I can dispense with because Vashti “doesn’t like it,” it’s treatment she’ll die without. I know that the commenter was more trying to inform than criticize. It just really hit me where I lived to be told–in however gentle and well-intentioned of a way–that a decision I made for Vashti’s treatment was ultimately bad for Vashti and might hurt her more.
There are always going to be those days when whether the needle is optional or not is a moot point, because Vashti simply isn’t going to let me give it to her. I know that there are plenty of cats out there who don’t mind the fluids at all (I hear from people every day whose cats even enjoy it!), so I think sometimes it’s hard for those people to imagine how they’d deal with a cat who JUST FREAKING HATES IT! I now routinely warm the fluids to exactly Vashti’s body temperature (I got a little laser thermometer thingy, so I can check both her and the fluid bag to make sure they’re exactly the same), I use the smallest needle possible, I give her tuna and treats while we’re doing it…but she just can’t get past hating the feeling of that needle entering her skin.
Which is fine–if she hates it, so be it. Again, though, some days it’s a judgment call, and I have to make the judgment that–for this one day, anyway–it just isn’t worth the risk…
I love the way you have said all this. So true! My two cats are completely different “people” and, if it ever came to it, I know I’d think about each one’s treatment differently.
I think you’re doing a GREAT job as a Vashti’s mommy. Keep up the good work. She knows you love her and truly appreciates all you’re doing — even if she does put up a fight sometimes — I’m sure you can see it in her sweet face when she’s got that motor going on your chest.
Gwen, in 2008 while having my Abyssinian cat, TT’s teeth cleaned they did routine blood work. They found that TT had kidney disease and they said 2 weeks at tops she would make it. Well TT had a little fight in her and lived 4 more months. I CHOSE to not do anything for the disease because in the long run, it wasnt worth it, she would have still died from this condition. We tried the special food, which received a huge 4 paws down from her! So for TT Girls quality of life, we fed her whatever she wanted to eat, let her do whatever she wanted to do and she lived longer than they thought.
We had the option of a blood transfusion, there was even the option of adopting another cat and having them do a kidney transplant. We do what is right for our loved ones so what you have done is good for what Vashti needs!
People mean well, they just dont express themselves well. =)
Laure
I think your post speaks well to the fact that we all have to make decisions based on what WE know about our OWN cats. I found out on a Sunday morning that my favorite cat’s kidneys had failed – she had a creatinine of 16. That evening she was gone. My friends second-guessed me. “But you could have given her fluids!” Are you kidding? Give fluids to a cat that had to be FULLY ANESTHETIZED just for vaccinations? And for what purpose, to bring her creatinine down to 12? Having kidney disease myself and having worked in a dialysis facility for years, I knew that she was never going to feel well again, and I could NOT and WOULD not subject her to pills and needles when she HATED it so much. I am 51 years old and this was my favorite cat ever, so you can imagine what an attachment I had to her, and for some of my friends to insinuate that I was too uncaring, or too lazy, or whatever they thought, hurt me DEEPLY. Life would have been no fun for her – I would have only been keeping her alive for myself. What a cruel thing to do to a creature who is totally dependent on me for her comfort and happiness.
In any other of my cats, I may have made a completely different decision – in fact, this was not the first cat I’ve had diagnosed with kidney disease, and I did make a completely different decision for the other one. But see, they’re MY cats, and I’m the only one qualified to decide what course of action to take.
Do NOT listen to these people – it is completely unproductive. We second-guess ourselves enough without these people adding fuel to an already hot and painful fire.
Gwen,
I know how difficult it is to have sick cats; at one point I had a cat who had just had bladder surgery and another that had chronic renal failure, and my mother, good friend that she is, moved into the apartment with me to help run the “cat hospital”. All of it is hard to deal with, but we all do the best that we can for the animals we love, and no one should blame you for the times that are a struggle.
I’m wondering if you have tried a cat restraint bag for Vashti while doing the fluids? One of my cats stopped eating after a week and a half stay at an emergency center and had to have a feeding tube put in. She was a very fiesty cat who of course didn’t understand that we were trying to keep her alive by putting this gunk into the tube, and there was no way she was going to sit still for it. So we bought a restraint bag, I believe it was the Klaw Kontrol brand, and put her in it and set her on the bottom part of a cat carrier facing the back of the sofa. She would still struggle, but it made it easier for us to do the tube feedings. This is the URL for that brand if you want to try it: http://www.klaw-kontrol.com/.
Laura
I think it’s just hard for someone who hasn’t tried to treat a cat who is filled with terror at certain things to understand that sometimes you do have to back off.
I have a cat that is overwhelmingly terrified of vets and medications; I get it, I really do. You can only push them so much before it becomes a quality of life issue, and if what you’re doing leaves them terrified all the time…they don’t have the quality of life they deserve.
Vashti is in very good hands…people don’t have to agree with every single thing you do. They’re not *right there* so they don’t really *know*…
Gwen, you know in your heart you are doing all of the right things for Vashti. As you said, each cat is different, their bodies are different, their perceptions are different, they will each react to things in their own unique way. With my 17 kitties I see it everyday, how two cats can look at the same object and their perceptions of it are totally different…one fears it, the other plays with it….one likes this kind of food, another thinks it smells funny…some like the vet, some not so much! Only you can decide what is right, when it is right and how it is right for Vashti. She has given you that gift of making choices on her behalf by loving and trusting you all these years. She knows that you would never do anything to hurt her intentionally, and I firmly believe she knows how much you are hurting over what she has to deal with daily. That is why she is giving you lots of love and purrs and being so close to you….as cats are always known to do, they comfort you in your time of distress, even if they too are feeling pain or hurt.
Gwen your doing great with Vashti. CRF can be overwelming on a great day. While there are definitely things that fall in the can, should and must be done categories you know her best and you will do the best for her.
The yahoo CRF group which I posted on facebook is an amazing place. Not only for information but for genuine support for yourself.
No need to reinvent anything when someone else has paved the way. For example just changing from a monoject needle to a Terumo can make a difference for some cats. I had no idea some needles are sharper and thinner walled than others.
I don’t have to administer fluids yet but I have been gathering tips, tricks and ideas from those who have been there before me. Ikno I will get to that point some day as it progresses.
We who love them, probably more than we love ourselves…will always do what is best based on that love. And we just have to believe our choice is the right one based on the circumstances at the time.
So keep doing what you are doing the best you can.
Every thing you do keeps Vashti here on earth a little longer.
So give them all a scritch & kiss on the head for me.
There’s not much I can add to your eloquent post or the equally eloquent responses, but count me among those who have experienced the same issues and made the same choices. No one should judge your actions, no matter how well-meaning they may be. Sometimes the treatment can be worse than the disease, and the kindest thing to do is nothing. Regarding the horse pill, have you tried Greenies Pill Pockets? You might have to split the tablet into 2 pockets since it’s large. I just tried these with one of my cats and he scarfed it right down. (Prior to that I was crushing the pill and mixing it with wet food, which sometimes he ate and sometimes he didn’t). They’re a bit pricey, but worth it. Sending you all purrs and headbutts from the Sunshine State.
Gwen…I agree with everyone here. Do not second guess yourself. It is quite evident that you are a special animal person. I think most of us here have had to make tough decisions regarding our wonderful furry friends, but our hearts are always in the right place and we make the best decisions we can. Sometimes, its comes down to financial resources which makes it even tougher. Every cat has a different personality and different tolerances to things. Only you could possibly know what those are for your kitties, just like only I know my “girls”. I think you are doing great. I just wish I could be there or do something to help or make things easier. I pray that your Vashti girl will be with you for a long time, along with Homer and Scarlett.
Best Wishes Always!!!
Doreen Fraser
Gwen–you and Laurence, and only you and Laurence, will know when it is time to let Vashti go to the big kitty playground in the sky. It’s the two of you that know her better than anyone, and what she will and will not endure. Especially for an animal, who cannot advocate for themselves. Someone undergoing medical treatment, who is of sound mind, is allowed to refuse any procedure or medication they do not want to have. Since animals cannot speak, the ones they love the most must do the speaking for them. I find it totally disrespectful for anyone to infer you are not doing the right thing or enough of it. It’s your decision, and only yours. You are a mensch. Trust yourselves. It comes down to quality of life. As for Passover, it’s a holiday. Having family and friends around is important, but those close to you will understand what you can and cannot do. If Vashti were a child no one would question, and I think many people do not understand that a pet is just as much a member of your family. You can listen to people and medical advice, but you alone are the best judges. Stay strong.
Gwen, I feel for you all. I have toiled with the same exact questions. My first thought is Thank God, I am not the only cat lover to lament the many choices to made about our cat kids. You are so right to not compare one to another in how to proceed for them. I would love to convey specifics of my choices but, they are still too painful to recount. In the end, what helped my final choices was asking myself, am I prolonging my babys quality of life in the same way that I would pray those who love me would do? Again , the decision was made after I thought about how my cat acted his whole life. Did the vet scare him? Was he tmid, did he react to pain in a long lasting way? Did it make him hide from me in fear that his once dear friend was now his tormentor? One of my boys always bounced back like, “Well, that sucked. HEY, look at that bird right outside my window. The other was too affected to permit it to go on.
Thank you, as always, for all the incredible support. There are days when, between Vashti and the general business of life–managing careers and finances in these desperately icky times–I think I’d literally be losing my mind if not for this blog and all of you!
To answer some of your questions–Vashti is actually taking seven (seven!) meds a day, six of which I can give her in pill pockets. Which was actually a great system until yesterday morning, when Vashti suddenly decided she doesn’t like pill pockets anymore. Sometimes I think taking care of a sick kitty is like trying to pick up a handful of wet spaghetti–you lift it up in one place, and it falls down someplace else. I’m trying cream cheese now as an alternative, and we’ll see how that goes.
The “horse pills” have to be taken without food, which is why the pill pockets aren’t a good option for administering them. We will see how it goes.
Laura, thanks for the recommendation for the “kitty immobilizer.” As I said, most days we do manage to subdue Vashti long enough to give her her fluids, but if her struggling gets worse, that’s definitely an option to explore!
Gwen, your comment brought me to tears.
I wrote this on facebook and will reiterate it here:
TRUST YOURSELF! These are your babies and you know exactly what they need. More then what the doctors or anyone says, YOU know what to do, and how and when to do it! Follow your heart (as you have been doing). Sometimes one course of action may be correct, at other times another one is needed. Stay in the moment and you will know exactly what to do. When one is a care giver flexibility can be more healing then rigidity… there is no black and white. TRUST YOURSELF. You know Vashti and every decision you make comes from love. What more can anyone do!
My love goes out to you, Vashti, Lewis, Homer and Scarlet. I am sure you are all doing the best you can… and this is exactly what is needed.
Dear Gwen,
You are a very good cat mom! I don’t believe anyone has the right to try to tell you that you are doing anything “wrong” or that you are not taking as good care of Vashti as you can. Unless someone is there and part of your family and knows you and your cats as only family does- then no one has the right to judge you. One of our cats, Abba, is 15- will be 16 in May if she stays with us that long. She is also in kidney failure and gets her fluids every other day. There have been times when she was so scared and upset that we let her go without them. She finally seems to be getting comfortable with it and calm. My husband found a way to do it on his own. I think two of us with her in one small room with her was more stressful. We each had our own way of doing it. He gives her a dish of baby food and talks to her and pets her.. she has actually laid there and purred while she was getting them. It took time to get to this point. Trial and error. What works with some cats may not work with another. As you know, they all have their own personalities and their own fears and likes…
A lot of people would not go through all this for a cat. I know that like me, you will do what you can as long as she is comfortable and has a good quality of life. I wish you all well and don’t get discouraged! You are a very loving mom and like all moms, we do the best we can!
Sincerely,
Patty
Thank you for keeping us all up to date on vashtie i’m so pleased she is doing better. The thing with her not letting you give her her injection i totaly know where you are comming from, one of my cat’s Rodger is a nightmare just getting him into the basket to go to the vets is nigh on immpossable but getting anything into him is acctually impossable when when i frontline him i wait till he’s asleep and very quickley squirt it onto his kneck which results in rodger reacting as if i’ve pourd boililg water on him, he once had a eye infection my poor freind and naighbour was coverd in scratches as he had the job of trying to hold him, shortley after the eye infection cleard up he got ear mights i really thought i surley have pissed someone off, so poor Barry got the thankless job of holding Rodger and once again coverd in scratches, Barry had not been many weeks out of hospital after having his spleen remooved, i’m sure the surgon would be chuffed to know barry was wresteling arround with my cat so soon after surgery… a true friend is Barry.
Rodger is about 16 i say about as he turned up on my doorstep as a stray 12years ago he was not a very young cat i assumed about 4 years, he’s had a good life fitted in well with the 2 cat’s i had at the time , sadley they have both passed away, and Rodg has accepted very well Rosie 5 and my new addition Jessie4mounths in fact it is Rodg who plays with Jessie,Rosie squeels like a stuffed pig if Jess chases her!!!
Rodger now has Arthritis and was limping baddley and the first time ever could not be botherd with Jessie hissing and growling at her, he now has his medicin to take i’m supposed to put 2 drops on his nose….. impossible however i have disscoverd he will take it if i put it over a piece of Aberdine angus beef so naturally thats what i do and Rodger is back to chasing round pain free after Jessie.
You know your own cat and one night free from her injection in her mind will be so much better than being chased arround getting stressed and upset, when people right critasising you i’m sure it’s only because they have never had a difficult cat to give medication too……. Lucky them.
Thinking about you all daily love to you all
maggie, Rodger Rosie and Jessie xxxx
Dear Gwen — I will answer you ‘outside’ of this blog.
Much love and prayers,
Cathy
Gwen, I can really relate to your identification with Vashti’s terror that she’s choking, having on two separate occasions been convinced I was about to choke to death (and on another that I was going to be killed in a mugging, but that’s another story). You know what the conviction that death is imminent is like and you would do anything to prevent Vashti (or any of your loved ones, feline or human) from experiencing that. In your heart you know what is “right”. In your head, because you are of an analytical nature (something I also know a fair amount about!), you beat yourself up because you keep weighing all the possibilities. Trust your heart. You have a lot of evidence in your household that your heart is trustworthy.
Please don’t let some peoples comments get to you. Like you said, you are doing the best you can, and only you can make the decisions that you have been making. It’s easy for someone to say that you should do this, or you should do that, but in essence, only you can decide what can be done. I do not envy you for what you are going through. I do know that you are a person with a great heart, and that heart will be what guides you.
Unless someone has been a caregiver for a chronically ill cat, they really can’t know what it’s like. I have a diabetic cat, and I generally test his blood sugar before every insulin injection. In a perfect world, he’d happily submit to this 100% of the time, but he isn’t perfect and neither am I. There have been times I’ve skipped the test and even the insulin shot as well, because he’s fighting me and we’re both getting stressed and miserable. I have no doubt if any of my cats develop CRF and need SQ fluids it would be the same way. You do your best and that’s all you need to to.
Can any of Vashti’s meds be compounded into a transdermal gel that you rub into her ear? That’s worked for many of the pets I see at work (I work at a veterinary hospital). Flavored liquids are helpful as well–cats aren’t so easily fooled into taking meds as dogs are. : )
Vashti, Scarlett and Homer are all very, very lucky to have a mom like you.
I echo the last comment – they are VERY lucky to have a mom like you.
And whoever made the comment that made you think about all this … I’m sure they cared, I don’t question that. But they also have to consider that they are not THERE with you; they (well, NONE of us, actually, that are commenting in your blog about what YOU experience directly) are there. And we also don’t have your intimate knowledge of your own cats. I think you made a good call for Vashti – stress for her at this point in her life & treatment *is* something very important to consider. And if she reacts the way that you describe, I agree: in my book, that’s too much.
You devised what sounds to me like a workable solution.
And you’re right – one day, one step at the time, you do the best you can and all THREE of them, I’d be willing to BET, trust you and Laurence to do the right thing ALWAYS … even when it gets down to the wire, and it will, someday.
But not today.
Love & strength I send to you…..XOXO
Laura
You care about your furkids and you know what works and doesn’t. You have always taken great care of them and you continue that love.
Only you know what needs to be done to make Vashti comfortable, but healthy. I have a Maine Coon mix, named Scarlett (and as aloof and irritated as your Scarlett), and while she loves me at home, at the vet all bets are off. She needs a lion cut because she’s suffering daily hairballs. She also needs a senior exam as she’s almost 12. Since she also needs a dental cleaning, we’re going to get all this done under anesthesia. Much easier than bloodshed and undue stress had all been done separately!
I have 3 other cats that tolerate things better. Buddy even LOVES to go to the vet because he gets attention from so many people. But, people I don’t know don’t know about my kits.
Just keep on keepin’ on. You know what is right and what is working. And, take time out for yourself sometimes.
Love and purrs,
Mandy, Scarlett, Buddy, Horus, and Wildfire
Gwen you hit the nail on the head. When we adopt a pet, we acquire the responsibility to care for it to the best of our ability. That differs from person to person, animal to animal. Each set of circumstances must be dealt with individually when they come up. Our pets depend on us to care for them, giving us in return their complete faith that we will do so. No-one knows your pet like you, or your set of circumstances & therefore has no right to tell you how to deal with them. My daughter has 4 cats, one of whom is TERRIFIED to go in the car. She shakes, cries, hyperventilates, soils herself , vomits & has stressed herself to the point of raising her cortisol levels & once diagnosed diabetic over it. So, my daughter has found a vet that makes house calls. Cats do not know of or fear death, but they DO know & fear suffering, mental or physical & it is our obligation to provide the care, comfort & love they deserve. If they live a day, week, month less, but they live that time comfortably then that’s what counts. How, not always how long.
Gwen, I think the most important thing you wrote is that your babies are not alone during this time. I’ve always dreaded leaving one of my kitties at the vet while they felt bad, because I worried they felt that since they were sick, I didn’t want them any more. This is also why I have always insisted on being with each one of them when the time came for them to get their final rest. How much better for Vashti to have your love and attention right now that the fluid when she just CAN’T take it that day. Stay strong and she will be happy in your love for however long she can.
What a beautiful post!
It sounds like you’re adjusting to life with an ill cat, and that you’re learning to find your way with what is right for Vashti and for you, regardless of what others, including your vets, might say. I’ve found that to be one of the most challenging things when I went through Buckley’s illness – I always knew intuitively what she wanted or didn’t want done, and I was fortunate to have a vet who honored my intuition and my wishes and who “got” the kind of cat Buckley was (BTW, she sounds very much like Homer in the sense that it took four assistants to do anything to this little seven pound cat, and even then, nine times out of ten, she “won!”). I applaud you for aborting the fluids when Vasthi really doesn’t want them. I’m so sorry about the bite – I had that happen with one of my cats years ago, and even though I knew he bit me out of fear (this happened at the vet’s office), it was still upsetting.
Since our cats can’t speak for themselves, we need to advocate for them, and this can be difficult, especially when faced with the authority of a vet or other medical professional. Well-meaning advice from other pet parents can be extremely helpful when it’s delivered without judgment. However, ultimately, only you can know what’s right.
Your last sentence says it perfectly – your cat, your home. One day at a time.
I completely agree with what you’ve said. I’ve recently had my youngest cat’s leg amputated. Some may think I should have kept trying to save a leg she would never have been able to use. Some may think I should have done it sooner as she couldn’t have been happy. We can only do what we think is best as the cat can’t tell us what they want. As you’ve so clearly learned with yours, cats will certainly find a way to let you know what is NOT best and what they will simply not tolerate. You are a wonderful cat mom for paying attention to the fears and anxieties of your kitties and taking heed at what they “tell” you. Bless you for all the love and care you give these babies!!
Hey Gwen!
You have so many people with so much more insight than I but just wanted to drop you a line. As far as the liquid med, it is obvious that the pill will not work, so it is either liquid or nothing. In human medicine when dealing with chronic disease, it is much more important that a med is given consistently. In my very humble opinion it is better to give her the liquid med daily than even trying to force the pill down her 3 times a week. I think cutting her a break on the fluids was clearly in her best interest that day. Animals like humans have good days and bad days so cut some slack on the bad days and just do what it takes to get by. Hang in there, you are doing what is best by her and that is all that really matters. Peace!
Gwen,
You are doing what is best for Vashti, pure and simple. Sometimes (SOMETIMES! Don’t freak out, people!) that means leaving her alone. Our Esther is conservatively 13 yrs old and recently diagnosed with CRF as well. She gets 100cc’s of fluids nightly, as well as enalapril and the special diet. She HATES the pills and will fight like a professional somestimes. And yes, there are nights when the needle and sub-qs make her so miserable, she bucks and screams, leaving her to blled because the needle was in her skin at the time. The nurses and vets where I work told me this…”it isn’t about the numbers from the bloodwork, it isn’t whether the pill made a perfect landing down her throat or exactly 100ccs of fluid have been administered. Yes, they are extremely important but more than anything is her comfort and peace of mind. Its the issue of ‘quality of life’ that means more than the ‘duties’ required.” I am going along with that because when all is said and done, I, and I am sure you feel the same way, want to be able to look back and KNOW that you made Vashti as comfortable as you could and made her feel loved no matter what. You are doing everything for Vashti and that is blatantly clear. This is terribly difficult and I will continue to pray for all of you. We know exactly what you are going through right now.
hey gwen, i don’t have time to leave a long, drawn-out response, but just wanted to tell you to remember, cats are actually rather fragile when it comes to stress. if she is truly fighting you that much, you absolutely should listen to your instinct and back off, stop, take a break, whatever. cats will stress out and die. i have seen it happen. don’t over-do it, you know your kitty girl and you know when she has had enough, and if that means skipping a day of fluids, or giving them a few hours later, then so be it. keep the stress level down as much as possible! don’t over-restrain her. don’t force her. and i absolutely agree with compounding the horse pill into liquid. continued best wishes to you, laurence, homer, scarlett, and sweet vashti.
Follow your heart. Vashti does. So do Homer and Scarlett. And, let’s not forget Laurence!
Gwen,
I read your post two days ago but this blizzard here in VA has kept us very busy! I’ve been thinking about your post, and I think your cats are very lucky to have you as their mom. I understand about the life restrictions-my Kiki is dependent on four meds, twice a day, 8:30 am and 8:30 pm for the rest of her life and it was very hard to make the adjustment that restricts our lives so completely. Sometimes, even after three years, she will still fight one and I will have to abort for that day, or try again in a few minutes if she’s critical that day. These are the decisions that try us the most, I know. However, I do the best I can, and the choice I make is always in Kiki’s interest, not mine, and you know in your heart that you do the very same thing.
As you make your lifestyle adjustment you may, as I do, feel guilty sometimes because you just want to have a break, or don’t feel doing this anymore, but I’ve been told it’s normal, and those thoughts are fleeting when we look at them and feel the joy they bring us and the love we share (I think the love goes both ways). The bond actually becomes stronger, and it changes us for the better.
All that to say I’ve been where you are, from the restrictions to the second guessing and all the uncertainty that goes with it….and the bottom line that it is all worth it, no matter what the sacrifice, every day.
And only YOU know best, you and your vet will work together to do what is right for your Vashti, and she will know, somehow, that you are helping her.
I hear we are passing the snow onto you! I can see Vashti and Scarlett, as you described in your book pawing at the flakes as they fall.
Keep up the good work Mom! Love to all of our kitties…..
I’ve got a small cat sanctuary that’s full of cats with chronic illness, so administering medication is something I deal with on a daily basis. I’ve got former ferals who don’t mind a bit if I pry their jaws open and toss a pill inside, and I’ve got former bottle-fed orphans who have hissy fits if I try to touch their mouths. There’s just no pattern to determining how a cat will react to pilling. Most of my cats are food gobblers (I don’t free-feed, but offer wet food at two daily meals), so it’s pretty easy to hide a small pill (or a crushed pill) in wet food. I make a point of tasting the pills myself before I mix them in food, so I’ll know if a pill will be noticeably bitter. I also make sure that I give regular treats of the foods I use as “pill delivery systems” (e.g., cheese slices, Pill Pockets), so the cats are never sure if what I’m giving them will contain a pill.
Any chance you could get Vashti to take her pill by crushing it and mixing it with food, or at least breaking it into a few smaller pieces and wrapping it inside treats? I have no idea what pill Vashti is getting, so of course I don’t know if it’s one that tastes awful or one that shouldn’t be broken into pieces, but I figured it was worth mentioning. I know that it’s harder to sneak a pill into food if the recipient has no appetite, but sometimes there’s a beloved snack that even a lackluster eater gets excited about.
I figured I’d post on the subject for two reasons. One, you’re doing a great job with Vashti, pill or liquid. I definitely think not stressing Vashti is as important as getting her meds/fluids on board, and I’ve made similar decisions to skip dosings of meds on high-strung cats. Two, I wanted to remind anyone reading that it’s a great idea to teach your cat to love a couple of types of treats that can be used to hide pills. I give all my cats a little smidgen of a cheese slice once or twice a month to reinforce their enthusiasm, and also offer empty Pill Pockets. If a cat gets sick and needs pills, they’re already excited to eat the snack item where the pill is hidden. It’s not a foolproof method (no food in the world can overcome the horrible taste of Flagyl), but it can help simple things like antibiotics go down with a minimum of fuss and stress.
Hugs to all of you — you’re doing a great job
Hi Gwen. In reading your blog, I find comfort that my family and I are in a similar situation with our blind cat Freddie Kruger, and your considerations and challenges are very similar to ours. We are lucky enough to have my sister-in-law live with us, and she is a former (experienced) vet tech(1). Freddie has kidney problems, where we have to do subcutaneous fluids every day and give him Vitamin B shots weekly. Believe it or not, Freddie still walks around and plays, but a bit slower. He does sleep a lot, but so do our two other “normal” cats Pia and Pib
We have been in constant contact with our vet, and we together review and agree on a plan for Freddie with the idea that we do not want to hurt or abuse him if it is time for him to go. Freddie is still alert, has facial expressions when I talk to him, and still loves treats and Sashimi yellowfin tuna (I am his personal Sushi chef).
When it is time to go, I’m sure Freddie will let us know. I’m also sure Vashti will do the same for you.
Keep up the good work in caring for your cats… –GIF
P.S. I do not recommend raw tuna fish for any cat unless the cat was raised with it and also eats a regular meal of real cat food. Freddie, Pia, and Pib were fed Sashimi tuna when they were kittens, and it is now a weekly treat for them.
Footnote:
(1) due to double carpal tunnel with her hands, she can no longer work as t vet tech.
Gwen, I went thru a similar situation with my Bud who passed on last year. The vet said take away his water and leave out only Gatorade instead but he wouldn’t even go near the gatorade so I said forget it and let him have the water. We also tried to feed him chicken soup with a syringe and that was a disaster — it terrified him and so finally I had to take the attitude that I would do everything in my power to help my baby boy but that if he wouldn’t eat or drink, I wouldn’t force him. Your cats are BLESSED to have you for a mom, don’t let anyone try to tell you that you are not doing the best for them. And some people are just trying to help but it comes out backwards. Hang in there, we are praying for you.
Eloquently said, Gwen. As you are finding out, you will learn what the best course of treatment is for Vashti, and dealing with CRF is a daily learning experience. I have followed my instincts numerous times in dealing with my two CRF kitties, and I knew then, just as you are coming to know now, what was the best way to handle the everyday issues, whether it be pills or food or fluids. And you are also listening to Vashti, who has her own wisdom regarding her care. I have been fortunate to have had vets who treat the cat, not the numbers (test results), and who have always encouraged alternative therapies in conjunction with fluids and Epogen (for anemia) treatments. Right up to the end, my kitties’ quality of life was good. My kitties let me know when it was time to stop, and I trust Vashti will let you know as well. You are so right to trust your instincts, Gwen … we all mean well in sharing advice and experience with you, but with your kitties, you are the expert.
‘Kaika’s mom
I just finished reading Homer’s Odyssey, whipped my tears, blew my nose and found your website.
The two of you and your fur family are in my heart and prayers.
I am writing this with Shadow, my gray cat laying on his back with his head pressed against my arm, sleeping. HIs brother, Bandit, is on the bed. We live in an independent living apartment in a nursing home.
My 2 daughters, one a foster and the other adopted, rescused them from teenage boys that had taken them from their nursing mother and put Shadow in a tree. He fell and hurt his leg. They were so tiny. We rushed off to the vet and Shadow was operated on. They were so flea infested they were anemic. I hand fed them kitty formula with an eye dropper. They are now 6 years old. Bandit now weighs 17 lb and Bandit weighs 19 lb. Each is his own individual and have my heart.
Ahavia
Gwen, having treated two cats successfully for periods of time with sub-q IV treatments, we learned very early on that you can administer the fluids with different sized needles. The large the needle, the faster the fluids are administered, but obviously a larger needle can be more of a nuisance to the cat. The smaller needles take a little longer, but are much less stressful to to the cat. You might give a small needle a try to see if she permits it a little more easily. Cheerful thoughts are with you!